How To Get Back Together With Your Ex

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Getting back together with your ex is not the most approved topic in relationships. Everyone has their own particular opinions on this topic that they feel very passionate about. Especially when it comes to cheating. That opinion being you should never get back with your ex-girlfriend or boyfriend. Well, I’ve done it, successfully and I’m going to share how you can do it too.

My boyfriend and I met on Tinder almost four years ago. We dated exclusively for over a year and then things got messy. We both were far from perfect and that eventually showed. Long story short, he loved to party all the time and ended up cheating on me while on a weekend bender. Then broke up with me a few days later.

It was a few weeks after the break-up that I found out about his infidelity. He told me, only because otherwise I was going to hear it from other people. At the time, I took the news pretty well considering. Didn’t throw any pot plants at him (like I probably should have). But once the reality truly set in, I didn’t want anything to do with him. I wrote him a letter that was four pages long. To let him know how much he’d hurt me and to say goodbye.

A year later, I received a message from him out of the blue after we hadn’t spoken in months. I had heard from mutual friends that he’d moved back home with his family to put his life back together. The message was a long apology and he took responsibility for all his actions.

A few months after that we both ended up at a mutual friend’s party. He was a reformed man, completely sober. We’d had a chat just to catch up and basically never stopped from there. Then one night he came to my house and we spent 7 hours rehashing everything that happened between us. And, even though he knew it wasn’t fair to ask for another chance, he did.

There are a lot of things you need to consider when trying to figure out if you want to get back together with your ex. Cheating or infidelity is one of them. Can you or will you ever be able to trust them again? Are you able to move past any conflict or resentment you had in your previous relationships? Will you be able to get over it? To make the decision to get back into a relationship with a person who has hurt you, you need to be sure it won’t happen again.

Before answering any of these questions…

You need to have already healed yourself first.

Relationship expert Matthew Hussey talks a lot about self-love and healing. He was one of the first people I’d heard spreading the message that you can get back together with your ex and get over your ex by doing the exact same thing. By healing yourself and realizing your worth.

Regardless of what happened in your relationship, take the time to make sure you have fully healed from it. The end of a relationship enhances insecurities, fears of loneliness, and leaves you feeling like you ‘aren’t enough’.

You should be able to talk about your ex-partner without breaking out into uncontrollable tears. Nor should you feel unreasonably angry. These emotions are expressions of pain that you are allowed to have. But eventually, they should not affect you and definitely shouldn’t control you.

When you’ve healed. You’ll know it’s not worth your time or your happiness to focus on what happened in the past. I needed the help of a psychologist to do this and would highly recommend it, to anyone and everyone. You don’t realize how much negativity and insecurity you really have going through your mind. Until you’re forced to say it out loud.

Working through any past trauma and negative thoughts will allow you to think more clearly. You won’t question yourself and you will know your worth. This gives you the courage to stand up for yourself and speak out against any disrespect. You won’t see your ex watch your Instagram story and take that as a sign that they still care about you. Because in reality, if they still care, they’ll make it very very obvious.

The catch is…

This kind of internal healing and personal development takes a lot of time.

My guy and I tried to rekindle things a couple of months after we’d broken up and the cheating scandal was revealed. I had been in therapy but neither of us had time to heal properly. And therefore, we were no better off than we were pre-breakup. But now had the added insecurity and doubt given the (warranted) trust issues. So our reconciliation didn’t last very long before I gave up and walked away.

The cliched saying of “you have to love yourself before you can love somebody else” is true. You need to be at least on your way to loving yourself. Or at least respect yourself enough to have some standards. I wouldn’t go dating anyone else (especially an ex) until you get to that good place (you’ll know when you’re there).

The main conclusion here is that you shouldn’t get back together with your ex after a couple of days, weeks, or even months. Depending on how long you were together it could take years to fully level yourself back up.

So let’s say you’ve spent some time healing yourself. Now you’re at the point where the thought of getting back together with your ex has crossed your mind. Only because they are the love of your life and not because you’re lonely and need validation.

Ask yourself…

You and your partner broke up for a reason. What was it? What is going to stop that from happening again? How can you improve and be better this time around?

Consider the things that went wrong the first time…

Both parties need to consider what the cause of any arguments was. Did you fight over stupid little things? Maybe they went out too much with the boys? Did they often ignore your feelings? Or maybe they were never there for you when you really needed them. Could any of these situations be handled differently so that you don’t end up in the same screaming match time and time again?

Answering these questions will help you establish if those things can be rectified or not. It will also help you figure out if your values align and whether you two will be able to make things work for the rest of your lives. Because why else would you choose to go through all this.

If you were the one who broke things off…

You need to accept that you made your bed and you need to lie in it. You’re not allowed to go back and ask for another chance unless you have… A) healed yourself, and b) are willing to go above and beyond to repair the damage you caused.

You’re definitely allowed to be clear with your intentions with your ex. Tell them exactly what you want (which should be them) and make sure both your words and actions align. In other words, don’t be trying to get your ex back and still be sleeping with other people on the side. Just no.

If you were broken up with…

Don’t be blinded by the fact that you’re lonely. Or by your ex doting on you and making you feel all warm and fuzzy inside again. You need to remember the bad in order to establish if your relationship can be good again. You also need to be okay with the fact that it takes two to tango. One person always comes out of a breakup looking worse than the other. But that doesn’t mean you’re utterly perfect either.

Remember to stay humble in this. Because you run the risk of becoming too controlling when it comes to the next part of this post. You’re a team again and you need to work together.

Setting boundaries

These are the non-negotiable things for both you and your partner to abide by. If you have been unfaithful in the past, you have to be okay with your partner checking your phone. Or them asking who you’re talking to or what you’re doing.

You have to be patient with them and you cannot get frustrated. Defensiveness will only cause doubt in the other person. Trust needs to be built back up and the only way that happens is by being completely open and honest.

The main boundary that I established with my boyfriend was no partying unless I was there. It sounds harsh but I couldn’t trust him going out on his own with ‘the boys’. It wasn’t a rule like “I forbid you to go out with your friends ever again”. The boundary was more letting him know that if he went out and did what he used to do, I will walk away”. It’s more about respecting the boundaries. And letting them know what will happen if they break your trust again or don’t respect what you have asked.

Boundaries also have to be reasonable too. You can’t just jump on your high horse and say “I don’t want you going out at all ever again”. For absolutely no good reason.

Set a time frame.

There has to come a time where you have to cut your partner a bit of slack. My psychologist helped me establish that I would need about 6 months of my partner accepting those boundaries and showing me that he’s committed before I could essentially relax a bit and have a good foundation to build back some trust.

My boyfriend had no issue with any of this because he didn’t want to go back to being the person he was. So if you’re not willing to do that then you will not get your ex back.

Communicate.

The only thing my boyfriend asked of me was to be open with my communication. I had a habit of overthinking things, then would get upset with him and wouldn’t explain why I was upset. He just wanted me to explain if I was feeling insecure, worried, concerned, about anything to do with him. So that he could correct those thoughts if needed.

Communication is what brought us closer together. Being able to speak freely about concerns and insecurities is definitely something that will make you more scared and vulnerable. But, it will allow both of you to understand each other and therefore grow a stronger bond. You need to be a team and work together. Especially when it comes to…

Telling your friends and family that you’re getting back together with your ex.

This was probably the hardest part. If you’ve read my life story post, you will know that my dad is a logical and practical person. And boy! He can hold a grudge!

That meant both my parents didn’t welcome him back with open arms. Quite the opposite. He wasn’t welcome the first Christmas we had back together. Regardless of how upset I was at the situation, or how much I tried to tell them he’d changed (which I found myself doing a lot), it didn’t seem to matter. My parents (dad especially) were very unforgiving at the start.

Just like you and your ex had to work to gain each other’s trust back. You also need to work to gain back the trust of family and friends. Loved ones are protective of their own, no matter who broke up with who. Apologize where needed, take the steps in explaining it to them if you need to. Obviously, think carefully about what needs to be shared. You don’t need to share every piece of dirty laundry you and your ex have gone through.

All my friends and family knew about what my ex had done, so he had his work cut out. However it was all about giving them ample time to get used to the idea. Then slowly gaining brownie points with them as a way of proving he was in it for the long haul.

Having the people you care about the most disprove of your relationships can create a divide. And it’ll feel like you’re choosing your relationship over them. Also having to justify your relationship to everyone will cause doubt as to whether you’ve done the right thing. But if you are confident in yourself and your relationship then it’ll just take some time and they’ll come ‘round.

They’re allowed to have their opinions however they also need to be shown what change has been taken place. As long as they’re decent people (which they are). They’ll see you’re happy and they continuously see that you’re happy and that will speak volumes.

Overall,

The decision to get back together with your ex is not one that should be made lightly. You should weigh up the pros and cons. And you should definitely be ready to put in some work. Because, if you think the actual getting-back-together is hard? The judgment and questions following from other people you care about are harder.

Obviously, I can only speak to my specific situation, and every relationship is different. Breaking up and getting back together can make you never take your partner for granted ever again. But, if not done right can cause more heartache. And it will only work in some circumstances, as some betrayals are unforgivable. There is a lot on the line when it comes to matters of the heart so proceed with caution.

My boyfriend and I have been back together for almost two years, and this time round has exceeded my expectations. So it definitely can work, but it takes work, effort, and the right circumstances.

Related post – What To Do For Valentine’s Day When You’re Single, What Not To Do In A New Relationship!

If you’ve been broken up with or ghosted, click here. If you have any questions, feel free to ask in the comments or you can ask me directly by sending me an email at [email protected]

Until next time.